


those who don't have candles left to blow out, are the best at keeping secrets after all

by lilykage



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, How Do I Tag, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, This is just angsty asf and nothing more
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 13:34:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29171958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilykage/pseuds/lilykage
Summary: “I’m in love with him, I can’t believe I’m in love with him, Pairo. I can’t believe I gave the last bit of love I found in the hatred-filled heart of mine, all to this idiot. I don’t want to, Pairo. I… I don’t want this. I don’t want my heart pounding like this, I don’t want my ears burning when I hear his voice, I don’t want this weird thing in my stomach. If this is love, I don’t want it. Maybe, if you pray from up there, God would take these away from me and give them to someone else? Wouldn’t he? To someone whose heart is worthy of those warm feelings, not frozen like mine.”In which Kurapika pours his heart out to someone who can't answer
Relationships: Kurapika & Pairo (Hunter X Hunter), Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight
Comments: 5
Kudos: 26





	those who don't have candles left to blow out, are the best at keeping secrets after all

**Author's Note:**

> I rewrote this because I found an old draft that I'd forgotten about and figured there were some changes needed. Hope you'll like it!
> 
> Inspired by [this fanart](https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/56678779)

“Hey,” he started.

“I really wish you were here. We used to vent to each other a lot, remember? As if we actually had problems to complain about… I used to tell you about my mom, how she'd never let me go outside. And the old man," he laughed. "remember? He was a pain in the ass."

“I used to tell you pretty much everything. And you… You never really talked much, did you? You always just listened. I was a bit of a talky back then, I must have blabbered a lot.” he sighed and smiled sadly, “Sorry about that.”

“But… Remember when you had a crush?” His smile widened a bit. “Shiro-san’s daughter… What was her name? Kalia! She was living next to your house, you two would come across each other at the fountain everyday. You were turning into a tomato whenever you talked about her. I was making fun of you about it, it was all funny to me…”

“Hey… You know what… I think I have someone I wanna tell you about, too. A-actually it’s someone you already know, I.. I told you about that person before…” he paused, hesitating. It was gonna be the first time he’d openly admitted it. He could picture Pairo’s smile right now, a soft pair of eyes full of sympathy. Kurapika took a deep breath,

“Yeah, him.

“He still calls me, can you believe it? Once at 8 a.m, twice in the afternoon, and five times in a row at night. Not to mention the texts, dozens of them every day… He leaves voicemails too. He doesn’t know, but I listen to them. Sometimes he says some rather not so nice things since he thinks I don’t though. But not much, don’t worry.”

And he went silent again. Last night’s voicemails still kept playing in his head in a loop, that soft voice whispering sweet words in his ear. The words that Kurapika has long forgotten what sounded like. Leorio’s soft voice, however, not only reminded him of how they sounded, but also how warm they felt. A warmth that he never wanted to let go. 

_I love you,_ repeated the voice inside his head. He wished he never listened to that damn voicemails, but he couldn’t be more glad for he did. The words made him shiver, but also made him feel warm. They sounded alien, they sounded too familiar.

“He said he loved me. He said that he loved me, Pairo. Can you believe it?” Kurapika certainly couldn’t. “He was… He was drunk again, that idiot… Remember how we both hated alcohol? Your dad used to drink sometimes, and we used to steal his bottles and pour them into the lake. I hate it when he drinks, too. Because… Because I can’t be sure if I should believe him. Can I trust a confession he made while he’s intoxicated, Pairo? Do you think it could be…

“Do you think he could love… someone like me..?”

“Could he be so stupid? Could he be that much of a fool to choose me, of all people? 

"Could I be this lucky?”

He fought back a few tears, “He’s too nice, you know. Too kind, too caring, it hurts to hurt him. It hurts to know I only cause him pain when he’s the only good thing in my life.” He let out a tired sigh. “I caught Senritsu talking to him the other day. I asked her and she said… _‘He calls me to check up on you since you never pick up that god damn phone of yours.’”_ He rubbed his eyes, “I want to, I really want to, Pairo. I would if I could! I would answer to his calls, I would talk to him, I would go to him and tell him I’m sorry. Tell him that I…” 

“I love him too, Pairo. And I don’t know what to do with it. I hear his laugh in my head, I can’t get his eyes out of mind, his eyes that looked at me so caring, so kind. I remember his touch on my skin, he’s always been so gentle to me, like he couldn’t bear hurting me. I remember a day from years ago, when I watched him asleep under a tree next to me, his chest moving up and down with every long breathe he took, his skin shining under the morning sun. Whenever I remember about a memory from the exam, it makes me smile at first, then I remember that we can never be like that again, and it hurts. It hurts so much… 

“I can’t get rid of this feeling. He doesn’t let me. How can I forget him when he’s calling me every second? I tried, I..” He rubbed his palm with his thumb, a pained smile spreading his face, “I was actually gonna change my number, you know. I really wanted to, I even went outside and bought a new card the other day, it’s somewhere in my drawer. I couldn’t put it in my phone. I couldn’t throw away the only thing left that connects us. I couldn’t take away from him the only thing about me that is left to him, I couldn’t take away from me the only thing about him that is left to me. I couldn’t believe myself. My hands, the very hands that can easily kill people, were shaking when I wanted to change my phone’s number card. My eyes which I thought were long dried off, can still be filled with tears when I’m looking at old pictures of us. I couldn’t believe it, I didn’t wanna accept it, I wanted to suppress it and make it go away, I thought I could make these feelings die away. But I can’t, no matter how much I try. I can’t change it that I… 

“I’m in love with him, I can’t believe I’m in love with him, Pairo. I can’t believe I gave the last bit of love I found in the hatred-filled heart of mine, all to this idiot. I don’t want to, Pairo. I… I don’t want this. I don’t want my heart pounding like this, I don’t want my ears burning when I hear his voice, I don’t want this weird thing in my stomach. If this is love, I don’t want it. Maybe, if you pray from up there, God would take these away from me and give them to someone else? Wouldn’t he? To someone whose heart is worthy of those warm feelings, not frozen like mine.”

He could feel tears brimming in his eyes, his eyes tensing up, telling him that they’ve become scarlet. 

“Had you were here, you would have helped me. You would ask me, _‘What do you want, Pika?’_ ”

For the first time that night, he lifted up his gaze from the floor and looked at the wall in front of him, the scarlet eyes on the shelves shined red in the dark. “I want to go on a picnic with them. We had one two years ago, it’s the last good memory I can think of. I want to see Gon and Killua again. Have they grown up much? Have they become taller? Have they changed? I want to talk with them, just about regular things. I want to call Leorio out of the blue and ask him to pick me up from the airport, I want him to welcome me this time, just like how he sent me off with a smile two years ago in YorkNew. I wanna give him the hug I hesitated to two years ago, I wanna run to him and hug him tightly. Or… Just like that day, I wanna find him sitting on the bench at the park, our park. Have him call me when he’s merely five meters away, ask me _“Guess who?”_ once again, with that soft voice of him that made me wanna cry that day. Then I want to whisper his name to the reciever. But you know what I want the most? I want him to say, _“I’ve been waiting.”_ one more time, Pairo. I want him to be waiting for me. It’s so utterly selfish, I know, but I want him to wait. A part of me wants him to forget about me and move on, but at the other hand the mere thought of it hurts like hell."

He fell into silence once again, started drowning in his thoughts and for a moment he couldn’t find his voice. He swallowed thickly, “I was talking to Senritsu the other day… She asked me if I miss them. I said I do, she would have see through my lies anyway. Said I miss them, but I’m not ready to see them yet. You know what she told me? 

_How do you know they’ll be there when you’re ready?_

“She’s right, isn’t she? She is. I can see you nodding right now. Why would they wait for me? When they’re not even sure if I’ll ever be back? How do I know they’ll be there to accept me again when everything’s done? They probably won’t even wanna see me. 

“ _He_ , won’t even wanna see me. 

“I’ll beg him to give me one more chance and this time it will be him leaving. He won’t answer my calls, he won’t text me back. And I won’t even have the right to be mad at him because I’ll know that’s exactly what I deserved. 

“Remember the last thing you told me when I was leaving the village? You told me, _You have to have such a journey that when you come back, you can say ‘I had fun._ ’ _from the bottom of your heart._

“I’m sorry, Pairo. I’m not having fun. Not one bit. I’m sorry, for not being able to fulfill your last request of me.

“Please forgive me.”

* * *

He left the room and walked to his bedroom in dead silence. There were a few hours left until surise, he lied in his bed, his hands reached to his phone on the table as they do every night before sleep. He tapped _Saved Messages_ with shaky hands. He opened the last voicemail from Leorio, the words he memorized by listening to a tone of times filled his cold and silent room once again. The soft voice he longed for, though it was cracked from the alcohol and hoarse from being sleep-deprived, was still as warm as he remembered. The more he listened, the more his heart ached, he tightened his hands around the phone as two drops of tears left his eyes. He wished he could crush and break his phone with bare hands before it gets to the part which hurts him the most, so he doesn’t have to listen. It was too late when he heard him say, 

_“…Because like a fool, like an idiot, I fell in love with you. Yeah, there you have it, you can laugh. I fell in love with you. I’m sorry. It wasn’t on purpose, but I don’t know how to make it stop. I’m in love with you. I’m sorry, Kurapika, I know you’re sick of me. You made it very obvious that you don’t want me, I know. But I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t, I can’t get you out of my mind, I swear I tried but it’s no use. I’m sorry. I love you… Good night, Pika.”_

“Good night, Leorio.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos are more than appreciated. Thanks for reading! 💜✨  
>   
> Talk to me on my [tumblr](https://whywoulditho.tumblr.com)! I'm always open for asks and requests!


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